And probably in the same commercial break I've got Tim Allen screaming at me that I'm not a man because I play fantasy football or I don't change my own tires. (Incidentally, I don't play fantasy football anymore and I have changed my own flats, though a couple times I couldn't because my fucking cheap wrench broke, so suck it Tim Allen.) I can't find the actual commercial, but here's some kind of trailer.
Then maybe in the same commercial break I could be considered not a man because I don't drink Miller Lite.
Here's news for you manly men: beer sucks. There's more alcohol in cough syrup. My favorite drink is champagne, which I used to drink when I finished a story or something, although I've had heartburn problems and alcohol aggravates that so now I drink sparkling cider. If you really want to be a manly man, though you should be drinking whiskey like in the old days, not Miller Lite with its 3% alcohol. That shit's for pussies. I have to drink like six Miller Lites to get the same buzz I'd get from one bottle of champagne. Man up, my ass. Same goes for you, Most Interesting Man in the World. I'd rather drink my own piss than Dos Equis.
Even the local commercials get in on the action. One haircut chain "for men" says that I'm not the man unless I go to their stylists. Oh sure you've got TV's and crap like that. But no "real man" goes to some fancy salon for men anyway. You go to an old school shop with the old pole out front and some old guy with a crew cut chewing on a toothpick. That's how a real man gets his hair cut, dadgumit. At least I'm sure that's where Tim Allen gets his hair cut, right?
Ultimately, I say a "real man" sees all those commercials and then says, "Fuck that shit." A real man doesn't let a commercial made by a bunch of Madison Avenue wimps tell him what to drink, what to watch, or where to get his hair cut. A real man makes his own decisions. So you want to say I'm not a man for using your product, I say I'm more of a man because I'm not being bullied by the TV.
I cut my own hair. Saves money.
ReplyDeleteI went to the gym the other day in my latest push to get into better shape. All the men there are so much stronger than I. I managed to bench press 125-pounds and the weight looks so puny on the bar. I honestly felt less of a man and was kind of depressed about it.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I don't go to a gym. Really they need a Curves-type thing only for ordinary dudes who can't bench press a Volkswagen.
ReplyDeleteAnd I started shaving my head, which maybe saves some money.
Hooray for Rogue! Seriously. I hate that Man-Crap. And I always hated beer. I remember someone once saying "It's an acquired taste," which largely means "You have to work at it until you kind of like it," but what's the point?
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't get the "10 calories not for women" thing. Shouldn't "MEN" drink full calorie beers, sodas, etc? So they can then have all the energy they need to lift weights and do P90X and, I don't know, look at Brooklyn Decker (who I don't think is all that great.)
I'm with you on this.
As for the comments: Michael, I don't think I could press 125 pounds. I used to do pushups and I got up to about 20 but then I pulled a muscle in my shoulder. Now I jog at about an 11:30 mile pace and listen to "Overture from The Little Mermaid" and as often as not put on "Spongebob" on the TV if I've got control of it. Screw those guys who can lift weights. I can outrun them and I've still got testicles.
I am growing my hair back out, though. I used to clipper cut it but I'm letting the gray come in and sometimes I spike it up, 80s style, because the 80s were awesome.
Just found your blog through Michael Offutt. Glad I did.
ReplyDelete"When did my grandpa rise from the dead and start writing Dr. Pepper commercials?" I really feel bad for men watching commercials. There's so much pressure for manly haircuts and beverages, and no matter what, you're going to be incompetent fathers... at least according to ads.
P.S. Beer is awful.
ReplyDeleteYou make a good point Theresa. (And welcome to the blog.) According to shows like that Tim Allen one or Briane's friend Rachel in the OC men are always going to be inept dopes no matter what we drink or where we get our hair cut.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the whole thing with these commercials is it's like the male equivalent of all those ads telling women they need to be size-0 with a Barbie doll figure. Just like most women can't do that, most men are never going to be The Rock no matter how many push-ups they do or how few calories their soda has.
Champagne instead of beer? That's pretty manly. Since when is manliness decided by anyone other than the guy himself?
ReplyDeleteP.S., I do all my own computer repairs. Am I manly now?
And this is why I don't watch TV.
ReplyDeleteheh
I dig the commercial where they guys are all out fishing on the lake, and the big burly fella pulls a fish out and immediately shrieks and squeals while refusing to touch it.
ReplyDeleteSigh. Just like every time I go fishing.
Oh well, sorry, I hate that stuff too. Well, I hate it when it isn't funny. I suppose the truth is that it doesn't really bother me that much. I mean, I generally like that so many plain, sloppy looking guys appear in the beer commercials. You know, it's work for normal looking people.
"When did my grandpa rise from the dead and start writing Dr. Pepper commercials?"
ReplyDeleteLOL! Hell yeah.
I hate the stereotyping too. When are people going to treat each other like 3-D human beings instead of cardboard cutouts?