I don't remember the genesis for this post except that I watch too much "Family Guy" and "American Dad" on Adult Swim, so here we are.
Anyway, now that it's November and the big election is only a year away, it's time to start thinking about politics. Have you ever wanted to make a difference? Have you ever wanted to change the world? Have you ever wanted full gold-plated health care, bodyguards, a six-figure pension, and a book deal? Then you should give politics a try!
But you might say, "Hey, there's no way a guy [or girl] like me can be a politician!" Well come on, don't you think George W. Bush said that too when he ran for governor and then president and then president again? Plus thanks to all that Adult Swim I watch, I've got a couple of helpful hints. (I couldn't get all the clips I wanted from YouTube. Damned slackers. Anyway, you could probably find the actual episodes on Netflix or Hulu.)
Step One: Be Inclusive
In one American Dad episode, Stan Smith unwittingly becomes a member of the Log Cabin Republicans, who are a group of gay Republicans. The Republicans don't want to include the Log Cabin group until Stan goes up there and gives a rousing speech, saying it's not important that the Log Cabin Republicans are gay; it's important that they're Republicans. To be successful, the party needs to unite in its hatred of Democrats and their liberal values.
Even if you are a Democrat or at least not a gay Republican, this is still a good tip for you. Don't exclude people from your cause because they're gay or black or Hispanic or whatever; exclude them because they're liberal! Or conservative as the case may be. What's important is to get as many votes as you can and you can't do that if you're excluding people because of race or religion. Once you're in office, that's when you can exclude people because of race or religion!
Step Two: Simplify Your Message
From the Family Guy where Lois runs for mayor. She's having a hard time getting her message across because people don't want lengthy explanations of tax codes and such. They want something easy that can fit into a 30-second sound byte. So Brian (the dog) tells her to simplify her message. She does so to the point of just answering everything with "9/11."
Now that strategy didn't work for Rudy Giuliani, but the basic principle can work for you. Especially when you get in a debate, no one wants to hear you go on for two minutes about tariffs and regulations and whatnot. You'll never get on CNN or Fox "News" let alone YouTube with an answer like that, and when you think of it, isn't that what's really important? So when someone asks you what you're going to do about the economy, tell them you have a really awesome plan. When they ask what it is take a page from Old Spice and say something like, "Robot unicorns jumping over double rainbows!" If any smart aleck questions what this means, say, "So's your face" or any "Yo momma so fat" joke. That'll shut them up! In no time you'll be all over the web as the people's candidate.
Step Three: Use Whatever Means Necessary
From the American Dad where Stan runs for deacon of his church, sometimes you need to play dirty. So when Stan finds out that goo leaking out of space alien Roger makes his wife's potato salad taste orgasmically good, he follows Karl Rove's advice to serve potato salad wherever he goes. This requires milking Roger like a cow for some time, jeopardizing his health.
OK, sure, you might have to sacrifice a friend or two or maybe even a spouse or relative to win the election, but so what? You'll make new friends when you're elected. Much better friends who can get you into all the best parties and fly you on private jets to the Bahamas or Maui or somewhere like that. They might ask you for a favor or two, but what's a little graft between buds?
Step Four: Tell Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies
Part of Step 3 will involve lying. Like in the Family Guy I referenced earlier, when Mayor Lois wants to raise money to clean up the lake, she tells just a little fib about Darth Vader buying yellow cake uranium from the Legion of Doom, which is using the lake as its base. Facing a threat like that, of course people donate money for the cause.
Look, if you're serious about being a politician and getting all the sweet perks that go with it, you need to lie. Often. Pretty much every chance you get. So don't be afraid to make some exaggerations to get your way. After all, you're doing your constituents a favor by protecting them from all those robot space ninjas threatening to move jobs to China.
Bonus Step: VOTE!
Sure, voting means standing in line with all the common losers, but if you're on the ballot the good thing is they'll probably let you cut in line to cast your ballot first, before all the peasants get their germs on everything. So make sure you actually go to the polls and cast that ballot and make sure everyone you know is too, unlike Bart Simpson when he ran for fourth grade class president and forgot to vote, as did all of his friends, which allowed Martin to win. That doesn't go with the rest of the entry, but fuck it.
Once Adult Swim starts airing "The Cleveland Show" I might have some more tips.
Well, I've always wanted to be more politically active. However, I always get nervous when put on the spot. I'm afraid I'll start answering questions with "Reno 911" by mistake.
ReplyDeleteIt's much better for me to continue making snarky comments about whoever is running. If there is ever going to be real change the American public has to stop deciding that they need to elect idiots to office.
Wait. We need to quit letting idiots run for office.
I'm about halfway through formulating a plan that would replace elections with a new system that, honestly, is stolen from "Legion of Super-Heroes" comics, because if you're going to pick a political system, why not take one that we already adopted in the future?
ReplyDeleteYou had me laughing out loud at this. I am now waiting to see Rick Perry say "So's your face" to Romney. Or, better, Romney to Perry, because that might get Romney some actual respect.
I had to laugh, though, because what you say is ALL. TOO. TRUE.
I think I like Warren Buffet's ideas on fixing politics.
ReplyDeleteCongressional Reform Act of 2011
1. No Tenure / No Pension: A Congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.
2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security: All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.
3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.
4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI (Consumer Price Index) or 3%.
5. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.
6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.
7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen are void effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this contract with Congressmen. Congressmen made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their term(s), then go home and back to work.
It would be nice if the government would live like the rest of us instead of setting themselves up like royalty. Unfortunately if they did lose the perks they'd probably get even more corrupt to make up for it.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that the government sets themselves up like royalty, it's rich people. Politicians generally start out wealthy so that royal thing just comes with them. I mean, look at Donald trump and his refusal to make contact with the non-wealthy because they might be diseased.
ReplyDeleteBuffet's about the only exception. I'm all for Buffet's plan except I think congress are the guys that need to go off that cliff.