Anyway, here it is:
March 28, 2012
Ms. Fake Agent
Faker Agency
123 Fake Street
New York, NY 12345
Dear Agent:
Detective Steve Fischer is as hard-nosed, hard-drinking, and hard-boiled a cop as there’s ever been. One night while drinking away the memory of his ex-wife and estranged daughter, Steve gets a tip about a robbery at a pharmaceutical company. While trying to break up the robbery Steve’s life ends and a new life begins.
Injected with an experimental drug and then tossed into the harbor by mob boss Artie “Lex” Luther, it seems like the end for Steve. That is until Steve wakes up on a pier only to discover his body is now that of a young woman. Taking the name Stacey Chance, she sets out to pay back Luther and his goons. There’s just a slight hitch when Stacey makes friends with another young woman: Steve’s estranged daughter Madison.
Chance of a Lifetime is an 85,000-word thriller with a touch of the paranormal. One of my beta readers compared it favorably to the work of Tami Hoag. My first novel A Hero’s Journey was published by Solstice Publishing in [date].
[Obviously agent information would be replaced with real names.]
Think I should include some of my character pictures too?
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| Steve |
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| Stacey |
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| Madison |
Grumpy:
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming you want feedback, so I'll share some advice I'm getting from my writing coach. First, keep the language fresh by avoiding cliches. Hard-nosed, hard-drinking and hard-boiled are all over-used. Try and come up with new phrases all your own. Also, it's a bit confusing when you say,"...Steve's life ends. I'm thinking he died. Maybe something like "Steve's life morphed into something strange and new..."
And I don't think I'd include pictures if I were you. At this stage of the game they could distract from your strong writing. Besides, a publisher has artists on staff to generate the artwork.
I hope this helps, and I wish you much luck with your novel.
Thanks! Technically Steve does die and then regenerates as Stacey. It's one of those things that's hard to describe in a few words.
DeleteAnd yes I was kidding about the pictures. I'm not that stupid! (anymore)
I like the premise, not what I was expectiing based on the first paragraph. You need to hook the reader with the first sentence, some agents won't read beyond that if they're busy. You could cut the first paragraph. Then you'll have more room to elaborate on the story arc. Also, where possible, let it have more voice, sounding more like Steve.
ReplyDeleteSend it to Matthew at QQQE. I've been thinking of doing that for my not so successful attempts without seeking anyone's help. I think he does a great job at pointing out weaknesses and strengths of a query.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I don't know. Seems fine to me. I'd probably avoid telling them what your beta reader thinks. That seems like the sort of thing that could do more harm to your query than good.
I agree with the removal of the first paragraph. And the rest... it hooks. Hope you got an agent.
ReplyDelete