In my job, every month, quarter, and at the end of the year I have to file a variety of withholding tax payments to state and local governments. Ohio is the most annoying because it seems every rinky-dink place with 100 people or more has its own withholding tax.
And so one day I got thinking: why the hell do we need all these state and city governments? Back in horse-and-buggy times I know that these divisions were needed because it took days in some places for a sheriff or judge to arrive--or so I learned from Westerns and Little House on the Prairie. About the only way for Walnut Grove, Minnesota or Tombstone, Arizona to contact the outside world was through the telegraph.
But now we've got motor cars and that newfangled Internet thing. I mean right now (not literally) this entry written by someone in Michigan is being read by someone in Wisconsin, someone in Utah, even someone in England! So why the hell are we relying on this archaic system of government with its triple redundancy of Federal-state-local?
Especially since there can be such a disparity between the three. For instance, I heard the Michigan state government is running a surplus. At the same time cities like Pontiac and Detroit are on the verge of bankruptcy and being taken over by "emergency financial managers" (aka Dictators). Other cities have been forced to cut back services quite a bit. All while the Federal government is running a trillion-something deficit. And if you look more closely a state like Texas has far more money (enough not even to need an income tax--yay!) while neighboring Oklahoma is strapped for cash.
So my plan to save America is to do what Republicans dream of: streamline the government. No more triple-redundancy. The Grumpy Bulldog plan to save America would erase all those lines on the map. Instead, I'd divide America into four divisions. (I like "divisions" because it sounds sporty, thus guaranteeing men will get behind the idea.) Just like states already do, we'd divide the division into various districts, each getting its own representatives in Congress. Each division would be overseen by a commissioner (again, sportier than a "governor") picked by the central government. And so now that same region instead of having say 12 different state governments with different laws and taxes and all that stuff just has 1 government with 1 set of laws and 1 set of taxes. And no more local governments either. Each district would have its own fire, police, etc. but it's all funded and overseen by the central government.
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| Grumpy Bulldog's America. Obviously this isn't exact. And Alaska/Hawaii would have to be added too. |
What it amounts to is instead of each state trying to fend for itself with 50 different pots for money, we throw it all into one big pot. Which of course is SOCIALISM!!! So even though it would be a conservative's wet dream to have smaller government (much smaller) it would still be hard to get Republican support for the idea. Plus it would require pretty much rewriting the Constitution and obviously a lot of states would be unhappy about it.
But when the Mayan Apocalypse causes civilization to collapse into a Mad Max-style dystopian, this is how we can rebuild America and make it better than ever! So just keep that in mind after December of this year.
I'd rename the north and south north east and north west. I wouldn't want to begin our utopia off by making the western folks second class citizens.
ReplyDeleteOr we could name them after presidents like: Washington, Adams, Jefferson, and Lincoln. Or maybe put Reagan as one to appease Republicans. Kind of like how the NHL used to have its divisions back in the '80s.
DeleteGeez. I meant south east, not north west. That would be stupid to name two places 'north west,' talk about confusing.
ReplyDeleteI believe this is how the Hunger Games got started.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to think of how I can criticize this, or a reason to point out that local governments are still needed, or efficiency is evil, or something, but all I keep coming up with is:
Our local government, in a cost-cutting measure, changed garbage services. Now we rent our garbage cans, and we cannot throw out just anything, the way we used to. So if you have an old chair, say, you can't just put it to the curb like in the olden days of 2010. You have to pay for private pickup and you don't realize how much crap you throw out until that happens.
Meanwhile, our property taxes stayed the same.
So I'm actually paying MORE for local services, and that's the level of government that is supposed to be MOST responsive to me.
People will criticize your idea and say that states are the something-or-other of democracy, that leaving states free to try different ideas is what makes America great, but I think that can be counterbalanced by simply reiterating this point: "What contributions has Mississippi ever made to democracy?"
I am therefore throwing my 100% support behind this idea. I call Dibs on "Lincoln Division" for our sector. GO LINCOLN DIVISION! OUR COMMISSIONERS RULE!
Now, let's get those hot 18-year-olds fighting over food.
What contribution has Mississippi ever made to anything? Ugliest state in the Union. Can we vote tohave Mississippi completely removed?
ReplyDeleteThat makes me think of BP Gulf tourism commercials where they'd advertise the coast of Florida, Louisiana, Alabama, and Mississippi. And I always wondered: who wants to go to Alabama and Mississippi? Alabama does at least have Huntsville with the space stuff but what does Mississippi have other than Brett Favre?
DeleteAlabama sucks. They do have the mullet toss though. Weirdest damned thing I've ever seen. Worth a few moments on Google. I lived in Mississippi for a few years when I was younger. They do have lots of insects. So, if you are into that, then you might like it there.
DeleteI was in Alabama once and was bitten by a mosquito the size of a hypodermic needle. Don't need Alabama either, except maybe for college football.
ReplyDeleteHaving driven through Mississippi on a number of occasions, I can say that it really doesn't have anything except an extremely ugly landscape.
ReplyDeleteMy husband rents office space for work - it's in a township with no income tax. If he rents space 1 mile north of his current office, we have to pay 1% local tax. If it's in a suburb 5 miles in any direction, the tax is 1.5%. I don't think we should be taxed differently depening on the GPS coordinates of our chairs.
ReplyDeleteI think we should name the regions in your new US using the schools from Harry Potter.
It's an interesting idea. Not interesting to me per se but I'm sure someone found this interesting.
ReplyDeleteYou should run for the office. But you know, the second certain thing in life other than death, is taxes.
ReplyDelete